confused

Its almost 6 in the evening, the weather’s fine outside but inside our houses there’s a power cut. End of Feb and its hot & humid here in Mumbai, I stil kant stop wondering how can people stay witout winters? It is supposed to be d best season. I am quite a lazy ass, I genraly go off to sleep whenevr thr’s a power cut cos I dnt get what to do. And again I wonder how people in past survived witout these electronic gadgets? Have I becm too mechanical lately? I rely don’t noe and evn if I tried I believe d last thg I wud b able 2 undrstan n explain in my life would be my own self.

At times I think I ‘ve a lot of set of laws in life and I like a ideal human abide by al those rules. And there r times when I also think I don’t ve ne set f rules in my life, I can’t stick to one thing & I change so very often. Coming to think f it, who ‘m I 2 decide wht is moral o just and wht's not? Who ‘m I 2 decide ne set f laws? Given a topic frm life, death o nethg else I wud probably stand for d subject at times & also b against it at othr times and stil wud take myslf as true in bth d cases. Apart from 1 single thg which is stagnant in my life evrythg else seems 2 keep changing. Tht one inactive thg is tht ,“I ‘m stil tryin 2 figure out how dis crowd wrks” tht’s d only thg in my life I belive 2 which I ve sticked 4 so long n stil like a parasite clinging 2 d same ques tryin 2 figure out smthg. And yea, its no mad chase I truly belive me being a parasite is worth smthg cos evrytime I slow dwn in my search d crowd does cm up wit smthg tht leaves me wit al d mre strength 2 keep my search gng.

Between whenevr I think f writin smthg I dnt noe y I turn 2 write smthg else n not d thg I thot I wud ve talkd abt. Like here I took out paper n pen not 2 talk abt how dis wrld amuses me but rathr smthg else.

I need to be guided :)

I can’t really help if my memory sucks between I don’t think losing some part f ur memory is that bad. Few days back I met a school fren f mine who I believe had shock of his life after seeing what I have turned in2 (wouldn’t atleas cal myslf as junk n after dis ‘m al d mre proud of d way I am)…atleas I think so….he he!
I am posting pieces of our conversation see 4 urslf…..I need 2 b guided!

(I don’t think u were expecting me 2 mention his name here…lets jus cal him d guy).

Guy: u used to be so much enthusiastic bout everything, never short of words, happy
Me: I get bored of happiness, similar way I get bored of being sad too (between I still wonder if I ever was so cheery in my life)
Guy: I wud like to talk to u someday, r u close to ur family?
Me: not that much
Guy: whom do u love the most in this world?
Me: myself
Guy: and then
Me: and then?
After myself no1 in particular
Guy: ur mother
may be?
Me: I don't ve a prob wit her.
Guy: k, what ur plans to get married?
Me: I don’t want to get married. Ever but since my parent’s wud want tht...I wud do whenever they ask me 2 n who ever they ask me 2
Guy: u certainly need to be guided
Wel he is not yet finished now comes d “guidance” part. For sometime I thought answering so many questions n then being judged I need guidance or not, I mite b playing some game show. Between posting the whole conversation would be a drag so m just posting d interesting pieces.

Guy: why do u think only about urself?
Me: he he.....I don’t noe y? y shud I think abt ppl? n now m not even being cruel wit them, when they ask 4 smthg m thr, y do u think I shud b thr when m not needed?

And now comes d bombshell…..

Guy: do u think this is your life?
Me: whose life is it then?
Guy: everybody's, mine, ur bro.
Me: (‘m stil under shock) its not everybody's life its jus mine, evry1 plays a part in my life, sooner o later their part wud end, al that wud remain wud b my own self.

Guy: this is not my life, this life is for everybody who can influence my life and get influenced by it

Me: my life is mine,u cant change d way I think of all thgs m jus indifferent towards a lot f thgs n that mite not b rite o normal 4 others, but they jus true 4 me if m not emotional how do I get up one fine day n change myself n what u talk bat being dead from inside I mite b one like that...having nthg 2 do wit life n I cant bcm what ppl ask me 2 cos I feel choked so I jus try as much as I kan but I wud always remain like dis.

I believe that was the end of our conversation…and I stil can’t understand why does everyone try changing something or the othr? And changes and being true with someone be it urself o othrs is a completely diff thg..but some people would never understand that…neway lets see who al thinks I need to be guided in life!