This one's not a new note; rather it’s more about my last one. About the last note of mine some people held the view that it should me more coherent and in the passage rather than me being a masochist it seemed that I am pained by the pain of others, so the note was a bit unsuitable. People took it as sad and wondered why this sadness within me.
On the other hand there were also people who did take it as gloomy and good. They did suggest me once to take it off the blog and said the note isn't for people who thought that it needs more coherence.
Come to think of it, why did I really put that note on blog, in public, to know what people thought about it? Why did I show to two completely different individuals? Am I really pained by the pain of others? Does it really need to be more coherent or it doesn't really belong to the group who wants it to be more coherent?
Heck no! I clearly mentioned, trust me I really am a sadist, call me insane I would like that better. I wanted to know, how deep it cuts down when I see the crowd talking about it and analyzing what, how and why I write such. I am tired of the pain within myself; I am getting immune to it. Now I wish to be more pained watching the crowd analyzing me. I want them to talk about me and hate me. I want them to realize how ugly I am inside.

At times it gets difficult to hold it together and it gets out of hand at the same time and I can't do anything. Seeing everything in front of my own eyes yet can't do anything...seems everything is going against you....makes you feel helpless and you feel choked try hard reaching out for some air to breathe but fail in that. Every fucking thing tries to mock at you as if you are the shittiest thing in the world.
I feel like the word "alive" has lost its meaning. You know you are dead from inside, just a corpse who’s faking that he's still left with few heartbeats. How exactly would you define the word pain? Do you feel suffocated when you look around the world at you? I do, more when I look around and find no existence at all. I try hard cutting myself from the crowd cos they look like.....weird I don't even get the word how they exactly look like? Between coming to think of it does crowd really matters...it doesn't at least to me...but why do they seem running after your life?
Reading this you might feel I am some kind of loner, a sadist, a maniac, a masochist....trust me you might be correct thinking that...I would be more glad being them than being sane. I know and I believe that every existing thing is nothing but sham.