on the inside of love

In my last blog I wrote, “its not worth talking about things I like”. But then let’s give it a try for a change. I am just trying to talk about the most difficult topic so the one concerned needn’t get worked up if he doesn’t like something about it. When people generally talk to me about it I just tend to ignore them because I myself don’t know a reason why we are together. There’s no answer to why I love someone and no reason to it. People have made this word so commercialized that the word sounds filthy at times.
Everyone who knows us, including ourselves think we are exactly opposite. He an extrovert, a social animal, true he can talk about anything and can make you laugh. He says, he likes people who are extroverts, diplomats, intelligent and can flaunt it well. I wonder what he saw in me, I don’t have any of that in me. I am an introvert, don’t take me as shy because whenever I open my mouth I might be just sarcastic or blunt, I am terrible at socializing with people. In front of the crowd I would hardly talk, and if I do either I would sound like shit to them and some so happening people would even take me as “gawaar”. I would hardly talk about things I know cos I know people either fail to understand or they act as if they are attentive and you sound so interesting, I wonder how many of them actually get into their head what others talk, so I decide being shut. Nor that I enjoy extroverts, and my guy who claims so much to be an extrovert I wonder how much he talks about himself. He would talk about everything else but he would hardly open his real self. Somewhere I feel even like me he’s trying to fit in this crowd, the crowd we both might be hating at some point of time, just that we have chosen different ways for that.
We both might be selfish in some way and still we both wouldn’t think am I happy with other but rather we would be worried about is he/she happy with me?
I wouldn’t be able to write down what in gets inside me when I am with him. I can fall off to sleep with him without anything going in my mind, a peaceful sleep which I would be wanting since ages. I can talk, talk and talk more when he gets conscious about it. I smile when he gets irritated and then I would irritate him all the more. I can get drunk till the time I don’t throw up without worrying who would carry me home. But I would surely eat his mind next morning asking how embarrassed did he feel seeing me drunk like that? When he would hit on other girls I wouldn’t feel angry but I would feel bad more thinking he isn’t happy with me. And I am sure he would feel the same, the only thing is I don’t hit on other guys neither on girls.
This is getting all the more difficult to write, I generally take an hour or so to write something but this I have been trying from last three days. I don’t know what else about us, coming to think of it I don’t even want to know what’s between us, for all I know is that I love him, no matter what he does and no matter what I do in the outer world he would be still there.
Long back he once told me, that the problems we have now are like small barriers and then there would be one day, the big balloon day we cal it where the balloons refer to happiness. And so much like a fairy tale I would wait for that day to come, for all I know now is that I love him.

Some People

Some people would keep coming back to your life no matter how much you try to get rid of them. They are like leeches, which would suck out your blood and happiness at the same time. Amazing is, these people were never bothered about you when you were there for them, the leech in them gets alive the moment you leave them, earlier I presume both of them were sleeping. By both I mean they themselves and even the leech. And silly is, these people know I might never forgive them and still they would come back for no reason at all. Leeches doesn’t have a spine? The more they come to me the more I hate them. Why can’t I forgive them? Not that I don’t believe in forgiving people, I do I have another set of people whom I easily forgive, would talk about them in the second part the leeches need more of my attention. With them I get stubborn, and this stubbornness slowly turns into hatred as I said the more they come the more I hate them. On face I might pretend to ignore them, also acting polite at times, polite wit the sarcasm they fail to understand, they fail to see the real face inside me which would always abhor them. Yet another worst part of them is when they seek for forgiveness you might even feel that they are trying to oblige you in some way. Some people would never change. They would crib when they have things and crib more when the things are lost. I am not much of an identity discloser so I wouldn’t name them.

The other set of people I am going to talk about is exactly opposite to the first one, there is no feeling of hatred ness here. No matter how much I tend to ignore them at times, doesn’t matter the times I act indifferent to them, neither does it matter how many times I might tell them that I hate them nor that I would act as a perfect loving person. I would give a damn if the world shouts at me but I might cry when these people say something loudly, even when they might be right at their point. I might care for them at times and there would be even times when I wouldn't care. There aretimes when with them the strongest part inside might just seem like the weakest one, vulnerable too.All I know is I would be there for these people, if not physically then definately mentaly present and unlike the first set of people I would always forgive them cos I know these people would never come up seeking for my forgiveness if they hit me in the same way others did. I would have talked more about these people but writing more, disclosing their identities wouldn’t be worth doing, that I believe in a way would lose its effect. Things which I don’t like are much easier to talk.

confused

Its almost 6 in the evening, the weather’s fine outside but inside our houses there’s a power cut. End of Feb and its hot & humid here in Mumbai, I stil kant stop wondering how can people stay witout winters? It is supposed to be d best season. I am quite a lazy ass, I genraly go off to sleep whenevr thr’s a power cut cos I dnt get what to do. And again I wonder how people in past survived witout these electronic gadgets? Have I becm too mechanical lately? I rely don’t noe and evn if I tried I believe d last thg I wud b able 2 undrstan n explain in my life would be my own self.

At times I think I ‘ve a lot of set of laws in life and I like a ideal human abide by al those rules. And there r times when I also think I don’t ve ne set f rules in my life, I can’t stick to one thing & I change so very often. Coming to think f it, who ‘m I 2 decide wht is moral o just and wht's not? Who ‘m I 2 decide ne set f laws? Given a topic frm life, death o nethg else I wud probably stand for d subject at times & also b against it at othr times and stil wud take myslf as true in bth d cases. Apart from 1 single thg which is stagnant in my life evrythg else seems 2 keep changing. Tht one inactive thg is tht ,“I ‘m stil tryin 2 figure out how dis crowd wrks” tht’s d only thg in my life I belive 2 which I ve sticked 4 so long n stil like a parasite clinging 2 d same ques tryin 2 figure out smthg. And yea, its no mad chase I truly belive me being a parasite is worth smthg cos evrytime I slow dwn in my search d crowd does cm up wit smthg tht leaves me wit al d mre strength 2 keep my search gng.

Between whenevr I think f writin smthg I dnt noe y I turn 2 write smthg else n not d thg I thot I wud ve talkd abt. Like here I took out paper n pen not 2 talk abt how dis wrld amuses me but rathr smthg else.

I need to be guided :)

I can’t really help if my memory sucks between I don’t think losing some part f ur memory is that bad. Few days back I met a school fren f mine who I believe had shock of his life after seeing what I have turned in2 (wouldn’t atleas cal myslf as junk n after dis ‘m al d mre proud of d way I am)…atleas I think so….he he!
I am posting pieces of our conversation see 4 urslf…..I need 2 b guided!

(I don’t think u were expecting me 2 mention his name here…lets jus cal him d guy).

Guy: u used to be so much enthusiastic bout everything, never short of words, happy
Me: I get bored of happiness, similar way I get bored of being sad too (between I still wonder if I ever was so cheery in my life)
Guy: I wud like to talk to u someday, r u close to ur family?
Me: not that much
Guy: whom do u love the most in this world?
Me: myself
Guy: and then
Me: and then?
After myself no1 in particular
Guy: ur mother
may be?
Me: I don't ve a prob wit her.
Guy: k, what ur plans to get married?
Me: I don’t want to get married. Ever but since my parent’s wud want tht...I wud do whenever they ask me 2 n who ever they ask me 2
Guy: u certainly need to be guided
Wel he is not yet finished now comes d “guidance” part. For sometime I thought answering so many questions n then being judged I need guidance or not, I mite b playing some game show. Between posting the whole conversation would be a drag so m just posting d interesting pieces.

Guy: why do u think only about urself?
Me: he he.....I don’t noe y? y shud I think abt ppl? n now m not even being cruel wit them, when they ask 4 smthg m thr, y do u think I shud b thr when m not needed?

And now comes d bombshell…..

Guy: do u think this is your life?
Me: whose life is it then?
Guy: everybody's, mine, ur bro.
Me: (‘m stil under shock) its not everybody's life its jus mine, evry1 plays a part in my life, sooner o later their part wud end, al that wud remain wud b my own self.

Guy: this is not my life, this life is for everybody who can influence my life and get influenced by it

Me: my life is mine,u cant change d way I think of all thgs m jus indifferent towards a lot f thgs n that mite not b rite o normal 4 others, but they jus true 4 me if m not emotional how do I get up one fine day n change myself n what u talk bat being dead from inside I mite b one like that...having nthg 2 do wit life n I cant bcm what ppl ask me 2 cos I feel choked so I jus try as much as I kan but I wud always remain like dis.

I believe that was the end of our conversation…and I stil can’t understand why does everyone try changing something or the othr? And changes and being true with someone be it urself o othrs is a completely diff thg..but some people would never understand that…neway lets see who al thinks I need to be guided in life!

This one's not a new note; rather it’s more about my last one. About the last note of mine some people held the view that it should me more coherent and in the passage rather than me being a masochist it seemed that I am pained by the pain of others, so the note was a bit unsuitable. People took it as sad and wondered why this sadness within me.
On the other hand there were also people who did take it as gloomy and good. They did suggest me once to take it off the blog and said the note isn't for people who thought that it needs more coherence.
Come to think of it, why did I really put that note on blog, in public, to know what people thought about it? Why did I show to two completely different individuals? Am I really pained by the pain of others? Does it really need to be more coherent or it doesn't really belong to the group who wants it to be more coherent?
Heck no! I clearly mentioned, trust me I really am a sadist, call me insane I would like that better. I wanted to know, how deep it cuts down when I see the crowd talking about it and analyzing what, how and why I write such. I am tired of the pain within myself; I am getting immune to it. Now I wish to be more pained watching the crowd analyzing me. I want them to talk about me and hate me. I want them to realize how ugly I am inside.

At times it gets difficult to hold it together and it gets out of hand at the same time and I can't do anything. Seeing everything in front of my own eyes yet can't do anything...seems everything is going against you....makes you feel helpless and you feel choked try hard reaching out for some air to breathe but fail in that. Every fucking thing tries to mock at you as if you are the shittiest thing in the world.
I feel like the word "alive" has lost its meaning. You know you are dead from inside, just a corpse who’s faking that he's still left with few heartbeats. How exactly would you define the word pain? Do you feel suffocated when you look around the world at you? I do, more when I look around and find no existence at all. I try hard cutting myself from the crowd cos they look like.....weird I don't even get the word how they exactly look like? Between coming to think of it does crowd really matters...it doesn't at least to me...but why do they seem running after your life?
Reading this you might feel I am some kind of loner, a sadist, a maniac, a masochist....trust me you might be correct thinking that...I would be more glad being them than being sane. I know and I believe that every existing thing is nothing but sham.